Today, I looked in the freezer and saw the cache of breastmilk that takes up the entire top shelf.

I know there’s another stash downstairs in the chest freezer.

I can’t bring myself to throw it away.

This doesn’t make sense…My daughter has been thriving on formula for the past four months. She is happy, healthy, and growing.

Throwing my breastmilk away, however, is something I just can’t bring myself to do. I don’t really know why. I know that stopping nursing was the best decision for all of us, I know that she is doing perfectly well with the formula. I know I don’t want to upset her system by switching back and forth, so I would never use it. Still, I’m saddened by the thought of throwing it away.

Maybe I can’t throw it away because I’m still searching for evidence that I am a good mom. That I love her enough. That I’m worthy of the extreme privilege that is being her mother. I don’t know.

I know I need to throw it away. I know I need to finally close out this chapter of my life.

I’m just not there yet.