A purpose…

I’ve been floundering when it comes to my purpose lately. Yes, taking care of two beautiful children and our home is a job in and of itself, but I’ve been feeling something missing. Something I do for myself.

I started praying about it.

When intrusive thoughts are a part of your daily existence, I think hearing God’s voice gets a little difficult. So as I was driving one night (without the kids, which is a rarity) I put on Christian music and just asked God for guidance. I knew He had a plan for me, but I could not for the life of me discern what it was.

One thing that came out loud and clear was a command:

“Use My name.”

Thinking about it, I realize that though God is such a large part of my life and my identity, I am remiss when it comes to talking about Him on my blog.

I think because I’m afraid of offending people. We live in a world where we don’t want to offend others, and while I find that to be a good thing, it also keeps me from sharing what I know to be the truth. That my life, my children’s lives, and my saving grace is all in the hands of my Lord and Savior.

So, where do I go from here?

I’m not sure.

I know I’m being called to live my life as an example of faith. Maybe my example is only meant for my immediate family, and not meant for a larger audience. I’m not sure. I do know, however, that:

“no one, after lighting a lamp, puts it away in a cellar nor under a basket, but on the lampstand, so that those who enter may see the light.” -Lk 11:33

So, I guess I’ll end with the following thought: I’m probably going to talk more about God. I do this, not to judge others, but to lift people up. I know that I am as worthy of judgment as anyone else, and it is not my place to condemn. I also know that there is a divine, incontrovertible truth. The last thing I want to do is preach or make someone uncomfortable, but I also know that I cannot be an authentic voice without invoking His name.

Peace be with you,

Kate

Life is good.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with the psychiatric nurse practitioner that prescribes my medications. It went really well.

She mentioned how nice it was for her to see someone with OCD for whom treatment was working, because it’s not something she sees often.

I feel so blessed.

Yes, some of the side effects of my medications are a little annoying. I could do without the weight gain that persists in spite of regular workouts and nutrisystem.* I could also do without the way my hormones are screwed up and I could really do without the drowsiness. Getting me out of bed these days requires a LOT of effort.

All in all, though, had you told me six months ago that my biggest problems would be a need for bigger pants and sloth-like movements in the morning, I would have hugged you. Really, I would have.

Six months ago tomorrow, I entered inpatient psychiatric treatment, completely terrified.

I was convinced that I was dangerous.

I was convinced my family was better off without me.

I was convinced that my life, as it was in that moment was not worth living.

I knew I needed a change, but was scared nothing would help.

I became convinced that I wanted to spend the rest of my life in and out of hospitals, safely locked away from the rest of the world.

Today, I am convinced that I am an amazing wife and mother.

I am convinced that my husband and children are damn lucky to have me.

I am convinced that my life is full of meaning and a beautiful, God-given purpose.

I am so thankful. Thankful for all of the brilliant psychiatric professionals who gave me back my life and gave my family the person they loved again. Thankful for my wonderful, devoted, loving family that never wavered in their support. Thankful for a God who loves me and saw me through the most tumultuous time in my life. Thankful for the friends who looked after Luke and my kids, and everyone who kept me in prayer.

When I think of the multitude of people who had my back, I am brought to tears of joy.

When I think of the thousands of tiny ways my life is better now, I want to tell every person I meet.

When I think of all the people out there still struggling with OCD, I want to say it can get better. It did for me. It’s hard to take your life back from this disorder, but if you put in the work and get the right help, you can do it.

Six months ago, I had written myself off.

Today, I am back in charge of my own life.

I am so blessed.

If you or someone you know is struggling with OCD, I strongly recommend contacting the phenomenal professionals at Rogers Memorial Hospital. “Life. Worth. Living” is their motto. That’s exactly what they gave me.

*I have since given up on that diet. 3 months without results is long enough.

Impostor Syndrome…

I apologize for not having written in awhile, I’ve been struggling with the feeling that I’m not really a blogger and I don’t really have anything worthwhile to say.

The rational part of me knows this isn’t true. I mean, I don’t need to have anything earth-shattering to say, this blog is my truth, (or in some cases, half-truth, as I’m not quite 100% comfortable sharing those dark corners of my life) and obviously, I must have something worthwhile to say if I’ve been chosen as a contributor for MKE Moms Blog, but still, impostor syndrome is hitting me a little hard these days.

Last night, the blog hosted our first get-together, a photo shoot (eek!) and bierklasse and it was great to get to meet all of the other moms. It got uncomfortable, however, when the little voice of self-doubt started chirping in my head.

“these women are all so amazing. You’re not really one of them.”

“they have such better things to say than you do.”

“they chose you on the one really good post you’ve had but you can’t keep up that quality with every post.”

“you’re not good enough.”

“you’re an impostor.”

I’m told that everyone has these kinds of feelings from time to time, but OCD makes it more frightening. OCD plays that track on a loop and if you’re not on guard, will convince you that it’s true.

It’s not true.

My voice matters, and so does yours.

So, to try and get OCD to pipe the heck down, I’m going to post this. Unedited, quickly written, and possibly boring to everyone who isn’t me, but at least I’m not letting OCD rob me of my voice today.