The Toll on Loved Ones

For the most part, I’m entirely grateful for the treatment I am receiving. I know that I am incredibly blessed to have insurance that not only covers everything, but that is covering it at 100%, so I don’t have to feel guilty about spending money on getting well. (Well, I am spending money on housing, but I’m not paying $800/day for the treatment, so…)

Last night, however, my husband was talking about his last couple of days. They have been rough. Our two year old is a very good boy, but he wants to be played with and he tends to get mischievous when ignored for too long… like when daddy has to work from home. Our (almost) three month old was crying. A lot. My husband said his ears physically hurt.

My treatment, while completely beneficial for me, is taking its toll on my family. My poor husband is doing the best he can, and we’re lucky that he can work from home (as childcare is egregiously expensive and we’d be hard-pressed to make that work on top of the hotel stay) but it’s hard for me to know that he has to work this hard because I’m not doing my job as his partner.

I know, I know, everyone is going to tell me that my only job right now is to get well. And I know that. I do.

This is why when some others in my program are willing to daydream a little during exposure times, I’m kicking my own ass. I can’t justify slacking off because I know that my family needs me and if I can’t be there for them, the least I can do is work my ass off to make sure I’m getting better as quickly as possible. I’m going to do the work. I have to do the work. It’s the only way I’m going to get back to them.

I need to get back to them soon. They need me.

and if I’m entirely honest, I need them too…

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