So, I know I’ll be meeting with the psychiatrist in my program today. I know that we’ll be talking about decreasing one of my medications. I know this because we talked about talking about it last week.

The reason why we’re talking about it is that I’m currently pumping in the hopes of being able to resume breastfeeding once I am off this medication–this medication has not been tested on lactating mothers and my kids’ pediatrician thinks it’s a bit of a risk to breastfeed while taking it for an extended period of time. (He thought a month or so would be okay…)

I’m scared.

I’ve been doing really well with the current combination of medication. My intrusive thoughts are fewer, I’m able to hold and play with my kids, and I’m tackling exposures that were in the 6-7 range when I admitted. (7 is the highest ranking on the scale). I am doing well.

I’m afraid if I start weaning off this medication I’m going to backslide. I’m going to start having more of the thoughts that terrify me. I’m not going to be able to hold my kids or do all the things I need to do to take care of them.

On the other hand, I’m also afraid that if I don’t stop taking this medication it means that I don’t love my daughter enough. I breastfed my son until he was 18 months old (and only stopped because I was pregnant with my daughter and my OB/GYN recommended it). If I don’t suck it up to do the same for her, does it mean that I love her less than I love my son? Does it mean I don’t want what’s best for her?

Logically, I know that what’s best for her is a mom who can be actively engaged with her. A mom who can smile at her and hold her without fear. A mom who isn’t constantly and compulsively looking to safeguard against every perceived danger out there. A mom who can let her see the wonder in the world. I don’t want her (or my son) to pick up my neuroses.

The other thought is that maybe, just maybe, adjusting the one medication won’t send me into a tailspin.

…but can  I take that risk? Do I make the leap?

I’ll let you know after I meet with the doc.