I say alone(ish) because I’m home with my kids, so I’m not technically alone, but I’m the only adult here and of course, intrusive thoughts like to prey on me when I’m weakened.
My husband is working late tonight.
He works late a lot of nights.
Tonight, the intrusive thought is that someone is going to break into our house and try and kill us…
The thought is that I’m powerless to protect both my children.
I can pick up one and run, but I wouldn’t be able to run with two, so of course now I’m picturing gruesome, horrific, theatrical deaths at the hands of a faceless assailant.
Part of me is a little relieved that I’ve started becoming more afraid of external sources of harm than ones that come from my actions or inaction, but being relieved at a slightly less scary thought is kind of ridiculous. It shows just how far gone I really was. How terrified of myself I had been, and how far I’ve still yet to go.
I no longer worry about myself. I worry about others. I think about things like guard dogs and security systems, and rather than locking my softball bat in my husband’s trunk because I am worried I’m dangerous, I’m making sure it’s easily accessible because the world is.
I know the likelihood of some person choosing my house, of all the houses in all the towns in all the world tonight is incredibly small. That doesn’t matter to my brain. The terrifying images torment me all the same.
So, for now, I lock my doors and wait.
…there goes the garage.
My husband is home.
Nothing bad has happened. (Nothing bad ever does.)
…OCD was just having fun tormenting me.
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Being alone(ish) is the worst. I’m sorry it’s so hard. 😦
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