Exhaustion

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The past few weeks, I’ve been exhausted.

This is the first week my children have both been back in school (because, of course, they have different spring breaks) and I have gotten none of the things I have intended to finish done.

Amazingly, I don’t even feel (that) guilty about it.

I do feel guilty about not writing, however.

I’ve noticed that I’m more irritable, more emotional, and less patient. While I know that writing doesn’t fix all of this for me, I do know that taking the time to regularly process my feelings is immensely helpful.

So, my feelings…

Well, I’m feeling pretty good about a lot of things. Earlier this week, I saw my psychiatrist and we agreed to step down the Zoloft. The appointment before, we eliminated the Risperdal. Slowly, I’m realizing that the meds are not the only thing that my recovery is dependent upon. I have put in a lot of work. My CBT sessions are about once every two months now, but I’m still doing homework and exposing myself to things that terrify me on regular basis. Habituation comes more easily than it used to, even for the extremely scary things.

I took a Y-BOCS online, just to see, and scored a 7. “Scores in the 0-7 range are indicative of little to no OCD symptoms.” Based on my own self-observations, I would have to agree. If I didn’t know I have OCD, I don’t think I would realize it.

That said, I know some life changes are about to head my way.

My husband and I agreed to start trying for baby #3, and I know the tumultuous sea of hormones will not be my friend. I know that, statistically, my postpartum experience will be as bad or worse than it was last time.

I have done some preparing, however.

I am going to do a much better job of advocating for my needs. And believe you me, I will be seeing all of the experts from the beginning. Thankfully, I am a current patient, so getting in won’t be a problem. I won’t suffer for another eight weeks before seeking treatment this time around. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I’m also not going to blame myself if I need to hop back on or increase meds in the postpartum stage. I mean, breastfeeding is wonderful. I really loved it. (Also, the weight loss is amazing!) But it’s not more important than being able to function properly.

So, I guess that’s where I’m at.

Hope you’re all well.

 

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