So, I’ve been doing pretty well lately. A lot of the harm obsessions have completely subsided and most days, if I didn’t know what to look for, I wouldn’t even notice that I have OCD.
(I do, I know I do. But more days than not, I feel almost neurotypical.)
But, right when one OCDemon gets vanquished, another pops right up into its place. Enter: relationship OCD.
My husband and I started dating in January of 2006. So I’ve already spent over a third of my life with him. We’ve been married since 2009. In the entire time we’ve been together, he has been truly phenomenal. His love and support have been unwavering. His respect and care for me have been constantly and consistently displayed.
Also in that time, I have never come across another person I have wanted to be with more. I am comfortable in our relationship, but I still feel the butterflies. He makes me happy in a way that I didn’t realize was possible, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
I have no reason to doubt his love for me. I have no reason to doubt my love for him.
And yet, I do.
OCD is the doubting disease, and it will make you question everything in your life. Especially the things you hold most dear, like the one person you have built your entire life around.
A lot of the obsessions have a recurring theme: adultery and divorce, or a fear that we’re not truly happy and only staying together because we made a commitment before God.
The rational part of my brain knows that the obsessions are categorically false.
But the emotional, anxiety-ridden, disordered part of my brain keeps whispering to me in those quiet moments.
“Are you SURE you love each other?”
And of course, I am. Except when I’m not. Stupid OCD.
I’ll be meeting with my therapist on Tuesday, and I will be figuring out some exposures to tackle this, but that’s where I’m at right now.